WHERE’S WINGNUT

By Corky Carroll

I have a pal named Robert Weaver.  He goes by the name “Wingnut,” a moniker given to him as a kid growing up along the shores in Newport Beach.  If you knew him you would know why he is called that.  I love Wingie for many reasons.  He is very funny, has a great attitude, is an extremely gifted surfer and is totally shameless when it comes to self promotion.  Hey, it’s a hard surf-world out there and ya gotta do what ya gotta do to survive.  I can dig it.  Wingnut has done as good or better than anybody else at making a pro surfing career out of a non contest oriented background.  He co-stared in the film “Endless Summer 2,” and ran with it.  The other day I got an email from him stating that in yet another shameless attempt at self promotion he was starting a page on FACEBOOK.  The theme of which is “where’s Wingnut?”  This way he can feed constant information about where he is and what he is doing to his flock of adoring followers all over the globe.  But he did not include a link in his email to the new Wingnut page.

So, being curious, I logged onto Facebook and hit the search button for “Wingnut.”  Oh my God!  What an adventure this turned out to be.  There are 371 different Wingnuts and variations of Wingnuts listed.  So I decided to check out the list just to see what other kinds of “Wingnuts” were out there.

My first stop was with a Wingnut Williams who lists himself as a Cat.  His favorite activities include licking himself, spitting up hairballs, rolling in dirt and standing at the front door.  His favorite music is Cat Stevens.  Next up came Chester Wingnut.  A dude whose photo looks like Mrs. Doubtfire doing a teeth-whitening ad.   There are a ton of interesting looking Wingnut variations, including a dude who looks like Pee Wee Herman, who don’t share their information unless you request to be friends with them.   There are a Cletis Wingnut, Wingnut Gonzales, Wingnut Warpath, Wingnut McHeadcase, Wingnut Nut,  Ihop Wingnut, Wingnut Rufus, Chikquita Wingnut, Wingnut Here, Wingnut Mcspadden, Wingnut Rock, Wingnut McCrack, Wingnut Wallaby,  Wingnut X, Wingnut Hero, Wilber Wingnut, Delbert Wingnut, Shrinky Wingnut, Wingnut Bloomers, Dronebot Wingnut, Wingnut Hysteria, Wingnut Bignut, Goofargenstein Wingnut, Pooglianna Wingnut, Wingnut Ears, and of course Wingnut Butts.  Not wanting to risk kicking up a friendship with many of these stranger than strangers, I forged ahead with ones that had info listed.  There is a Buddy Wingnut who is a member of Dr. Horribles Sing-along Blog.  A Wingnut Kenneally who goes to Colberts Bar and whose photo shows him in an array of non matching leather along with a beret and sunglasses.  A Wing Nut who is an older bald dude with a very square head and giant ears, no I mean really giant ears.  I can see why they call him Wing Nut.  A Johnny Wingnut who has a photo of porn star Ron Jeremy posted, what’s up with that?  A Wingnut Deerhunter who is a female interested in Men and Women and lists herself as a “demon mindrender.”  What is that?  A Wingnut Fortyseven who looks like he could be Bob Marleys grandfather and just stuck his finger in a light socket.  A Wingnut Dargue whose photo shows him in full combat gear with some sort of terrorist headwear and aiming an assault rifle at you.  A Dan Wingnut who appears to really have that last name and is from England.  A Chris Wingnut whose photo is Mr. Potato Head.  A Wingnut Winger who is also from England and lists his activity as “playing about in me wee bloo thingie.”  A Wingnut Ziman who is a female dog wearing a pink sweatshirt.  A Skippy Wingnut who is a white rabbit and the photo shows him having his way with a chicken.  A Luke Wingnut who is a weightlifter and has a photo of himself wading in the shorebreak with surf trunks on.  His activities are eating, drinking, sleeping, parties, and women.  A Simon Wingnut Spittlehouse whose photo has to be the poster shot for the why they shouldn’t let them live Club.  Not to mention the dude with the worst “mullet” known to man.  There is more but I don’t have room for all of them. 

Finally, after hours of laughing my way through the wacky world of wingnuts, I came to the end.  And there was NO listing for the Wingnut that I was looking for.  Shocked and annoyed I called him up only to find that his page is the WINGUT FAN PAGE.  Oh, excuuuuuuseeee meee.  I should have known.